Our Planned Hotel Birth (yes, you heard me right!)
Well, third time is the charm. After two rather unpleasant birth experiences, we finally got our redemption story.
It's tough. On the one hand, being a doula armed to the teeth with knowledge of the birth process and my rights as the birthing person, you'd think I'd know my way around the birthing room. You'd think I'd know how to voice my dissonance and preferences. On the other hand, birth is such a liminal space where we are particularly vulnerable to suggestion. Our animal brains and instincts take over, and we often don't get to process things until it's all over and, in some cases, the damage has been done. Being a birth doula, knowing my rights, I had the unfortunate post-hoc awareness that so many of my rights were violated, my choices discounted. Twice.
This third time, no matter what I had to do to get a midwife and an out-of-hospital birth, I would do. I was totally leaning toward a freebirth, but my husband wasn't quite there. So, I reached out to Heather from HOPE Midwives and plead my case. She took me on, even though we had just moved to Cold Lake, 3.5 hours away from her, and would have to travel into Edmonton for appointments and the birth itself. When I asked what people usually did when they come from out of town for births, she said hotels were the way to go.
My labours are typically precipitous (ie. too fucking fast), and about two weeks early, so we knew we would have to move fast. Coming back from Edmonton one night about 16 days before our due date, I felt a contraction. Then another one. I called my husband, got him to pack up the boys, and then we drove straight back to Edmonton from Cold Lake. By the time we got there, my contractions had slowed, so we settled in at Grandma's for the night. The next afternoon, my contractions picked up again. I was so sure baby was coming that we booked a hotel for two nights: one for the birth and one to rest with our growing family. Then, they slowed again. This was not my typical pattern for labour.
The second day came with next to no birth signs, so I thought at least I would enjoy a night to myself in the booked hotel before baby number three. I was on the phone with my friends and enjoying a half glass of wine, when a contraction hit me, hard. This was the intensity I had been waiting for. Based on my previous labour patterns, I knew it was go time. I called the number and Heidi answers. I had never met Heidi, but anyone that Heather approved of, I felt comfortable with, too. I told her she could leave in about an hour or so. She told me to call back if I wanted her there sooner. About five minutes later, the contractions were hitting fast and close. I wasn't sure an hour would be soon enough. I called her back. I could hear the sounds of the road through the phone. She had correctly intuited that I would be needing her sooner, and was already on her way to pick up the student midwife and come to me. This would be the first of a few times I was amazed with Heidi's intuition (whom I had never met before, remember).
I called my husband, and asked him to hurry over. And then I dimmed the lights, ran the bath, and created a cozy atmosphere for myself. The midwives got there a short while later. They knocked quietly, walked in quietly, and began to set up their equipment. Then one of them proceeded to dim the lights even further. What a stark contrast from when the doctor walks into the hospital room and all the lights are turned up and they talk at you regardless of whether you're in the middle of a contraction or not!
My husband arrived a few minutes later. I whined to him, "I really wish we were going to have this baby by midnight (it was baby's great-grandmother's birthday, and we only had one hour left). Heidi looked me up and down and said, "oh, he'll be here by midnight." (Second stroke of intuitive genius for this incredible woman). My husband was tentative at first, slow to warm up to the situation. You see, he had never been centered in our birth stories before. He wasn't allowed to take up space, speak up, or have an opinion. This time, after a few minutes of realizing our midwives were going to bear witness and only step in if needed (as was our much discussed preference), he stepped in to support me in the way only he knows how. He stepped up because he was given space to this time.
He took care of my body and my emotions and prepared to catch our baby with me. At some point, he began to narrate. I was astonished. Hidden in the corner of the hospital rooms of our two previous births, he observed. He recognized my patterns. When I started to say the pain was too big and I couldn't bear it any longer, he said, "OK. In a few minutes we're going to hear an animal sound come out of her and a few contractions later she will push once or twice and the baby will be here." Sure as shit, I soon let out a guttural roar and a few minutes (and one push!) later, our baby was here. 11:38pm.
I was loud and uncomfortable, and then in a bit of shock that things had gone so smoothly and were over so fast. You can see and hear all this messiness in the video below (you might want to turn the sound down first). I'm quite proud of myself here, in contrast to all the beautifully calm videos where the birther seems so serene, and even ecstatic. I love that these exist, but this wasn't me. I'd like to say I set it up that way, being intentionally loud and unapologetic. The fact is, some births are just louder and messier than others, emotionally, physically.
Nobody said anything afterwards, for almost twenty minutes or so. They just stood back and let us marvel at our little baby boy. Finally someone suggested we cut the cord, showing us that it had stopped pulsing and was now completely white, just as it should be. I had a tough time passing the placenta, and so Heidi suggested I get back into the position I birthed baby in, thinking that would help. Sure enough, it did. That was her educated intuition on display for the third time.
Afterwards, my partner says to me, "we have to tell everyone that birth can look like this. That was amazing." Well babe, that's my calling. As we debate whether this is our last baby, I take solace knowing that I will be living in the birth world, attending to others' transformative moments. Helping births feel the way I felt during this one, that's my end game. No matter what choices you have about where you can deliver or who your birth support team is, I will do my damnest to create an atmosphere and supportive environment that is as close to your birth vision as we can get it. It doesn't have to look or feel like mine or anyone else's', but it does need to be what your instincts and heart tell you it should be like, not what anyone else decides.
Thank you
Heather, Heidi, and Stefanie (student) from HOPE Midwives.
